The Zelda timeline: the only theory of multiple universes you need to know

I have 22 articles on Medium at the moment, but they are all banging on about the same old thing: Quantum Computers. Though it may seem like I know about nothing else, I do know about one other thing. I know the Legend of Zelda.

As everyone who is obsessed with Zelda knows, the fictional timeline for the games can be pretty complicated. It involves time travel and multiple universes. Reality is moulded to suit the requirements of the plot.

To put it simply, there was a bit of a debacle involving a boy from a forest, a bloke from the desert, some royalty and an ocarina. Despite being a relatively simple instrument, the ocarina managed to divide the universe into three alternate realities.

One of these realities has the desert man keep coming back and messing things up. He can do this for centuries thanks to the magical powers of a rather fancy Toblerone he once ate. This is rather unpleasant for the people of the kingdom. He can be a bit of a pig and has a tendency to try instating a rule of eternal evil. All in all, it’s a bit rubbish.

Another alternate reality has to contend with weird neighbours found down rabbit holes and through looking glasses. Don’t get a job as a hero in this reality if you like knowing what body you’ll wake up with in the morning. If you’re lucky, you’ll get away with just being a werewolf. Otherwise, it’s a case of turning into the recently deceased by wearing their faces.

In a different reality, the kingdom was flooded by the gods in a heavy-handed attempt to keep the desert bloke in line. A magical sword in the head would probably have been more efficient, but the gods did not go for such finesse. The survivors fled to the mountains, which turned into a handful of islands. None have a viable population, but any incest is kept strictly under wraps. The only victim seems to be a strange personage by the name of Tingle.

The watery world persists long enough for a few adventures involving boats. But once these boats discover a continent, they are soon swapped for trains.

Unless a future game deals with the lingering genetic effects of inbreeding, this is the best timeline. If you want to buy a house in the kingdom of Hyrule, this is where to look. I know a nice Cabana I can recommend.

Now you know all about the split timeline of Zelda, that explains how all current Zelda games are related. You have until March 3rd to impress your friends with this information. That’s when we’ll get Breath of the Wild, and they’ll completely change everything to fit it in.

Wrangler of qubits. Drinker of tea. Father.

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